The sadness that descended on me last week when my elderly dog was very ill informed me of just how long it had been (if ever) since I last felt truly sad.
She is quite old– nearly fourteen. And I know that the time for her to leave her body is nearer than last year. And I do not fear her death. I know we will continue on, just as I know she will continue on as memories and energy and whatever else. But when an infection overtook her sense of balance and left her unable to eat for days, profound sadness inhabited me.
I let it seep in and consume me. I didn’t want to hide from it.
And it felt heavy.
And I really sensed it all the way out to the edges of my form.
It’s one thing to know something intellectually. It’s completely different to comprehend, to capitulate to an impending change in the status quo.
A new student told me something this week. She said she didn’t really understand what people meant when they said “feelings” until she began to meditate. Hearing that made me think maybe I hadn’t ever really felt sadness before now.
So I am honoring it. And being with it.
But I also know that it is not me. “Me” is what is there regardless of circumstance, behind emotion, beyond every story my ego cloaks itself in out in the world.
And I think that is how we learn to love with abandon, but without attachment.
Just because change is inevitable doesn’t make it any less hard. Fortunately, we have so many opportunities to practice.
So now, the coalescence of practice// love// non-attachment. And I feel it. All.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vA3phAuveeY&w=420&h=315]
LOVE, kelly
hugs.
thanks dear.
hugs back.