Clarity// Integration takes time

The fog I’ve been roaming around in for the past few months appears to be lifting. I feel lightness again in my skin and teeth and fingernails. The sludgy, un-ruddered feeling is so nearby though, that I am using this prescient moment to remind myself not to get too comfortable. To hold the flowing, easy times with the same mind that I tried to navigate the rough waters we’ve just passed through safely.

And I know I’m not alone. True, there were some family circumstances that added to my stress level (husband gone for the better part of a month for work, etc., etc.), but by and large I really felt the weight of the stars. The eclipses. All of it. And still I feel quite successful (mostly) in not getting caught up in it all. Like– even though things feel crazy/ are crazy/ are unjust/ etc. I’m keeping my self right-side up. Moving, thinking, acting from there instead of reacting from within crazy-town, if that makes any sense.

But I’m not here to just pat myself on the back for being present to my life.

For the past six or seven years, I’ve wondered how I could possibly integrate my work. Looking at my resume, it was kind of unsettling to see the disparate fields of study (law, art, yoga) and work (attorney, artist, yoga teacher) and to not see the links among them in a practical, usable way. When I was practicing law, I felt very much enmeshed in the ebbs and flows of circumstances– when I was winning, I felt good; when I was losing, I felt bad– and I honestly felt as though I had to separate myself from that world in order to actualize my dharma (sorry that sounds so jargon-y, I mean that in order to check my head, get conscious, get clear about the nature of the universe and what I am doing in it). And that was good, for a time. It was also a very good place to be while I was mothering a baby and small child. However, I began to feel conflicted about duty and karma and whether I was hiding out in my spiritual practice.

I felt very much like I was re-encountering some old triggers. Things I had worked through a number of years ago. And I recognize them for what they are. So although things have a way of returning, I’m not the same person they are returning to. My friend, student and massage therapist mentioned to me that this has something to do with astrology or numerology for me, but I don’t remember the specifics.

So.

All of this was swirling. Plus a healthy dose of concern about providing for my family and my ability to grow.

And.

I think I felt something like clarity yesterday.

What I teach in my classes is more and more conflict management– maintaining equanimity regardless of circumstance. And I know this is something that we all need. And I know that by expanding the platform I offer the teachings from, I could be of greater service.

To that end, I have given myself some action items.

1. Keep working on my book (almost half-way done!);
2. Start volunteering at local community radio station (orientation next week);
3. Plan local, one-day retreat (in the works);
4. Write the job description for what I want to do.

Patience is a virtue.

Where are you right now in your practice?

Love, Kelly