Feeling the swing of the pendulum.

Much like my career paths, my practice has transitioned over the past sixteen years. I began with a quite vigorous physical practice (Ashtanga) accompanied by a cerebral interest in yogic philosophy. I wanted to *get* it.  At the time I was moving into an analytical career, very results-driven as it were. But/andI knew there was more.

But how to locate it?

That is always the question.

And generally, I find, once we know the question, answers begin to reveal themselves.

Perhaps they are there all along, and we only begin to notice them once we are clear in our quest.

So.

I found an ashram. And I chanted and I sat and sat and sat. And I began to know god. Not god in some way that all of the religions tend to co-opt or steal, but in the way that I began to know– not just with my intellect, but in my bones– that we are all one. That god is in every moment.

And concurrently, I felt drawn away from the analytical, critical aspects of practice. Not that I abandoned svadhyaya– self-inquiry– but that I took a step back from worlds that invited conflict, argument. I really felt/feel that there are many paths, and those who try to tell us that this is not true have their own set of motives.

This year, I felt lots of shifts.

On one hand, things got way more *out there.* I felt new things, saw things, knew new things. Or perhaps just remembered them.

And I started paying attention to the edges of the swinging pendulum again. One way, the other way. And wondered what practice means truly for me.

Is it academic, analytical, critical? Sometimes. Is it full-immersion, deep-end, Krishna all the way out to my finger nails? A lot of the time.

This year taught me to ask “What feels best? What feels highest? What feels right-est?”

And I don’t mean that in a strictly hedonistic way, but what I have found true for myself is that when I am acting in alignment with those questions, it is better for everyone.

Bottom line: It doesn’t feel good to be a jerk.

There are grey areas to be sure, but the more I sit. The more I purify (in a sense), those grey areas become subtler and subtler. The increments smaller and smaller. The choices right and righter.

And I need to remember this.

Things that have a way of knocking me off my path are watching too much tv, drinking alcohol or coffee, not meditating and not exercising enough. I think it’s helpful to be honest and real about what doesn’t work.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I’m triangulating truth. Locating the edges of what feels right as a human living in the 21st-century. Not too fast, not too slow. Not too hot, not too cold.

And that feels right.

How about you?

love.